I’ve been asking myself a few things lately.

What things are important to me, in order to feel like I am worthy, happy, and comfortable in my own skin?

Where do I see myself in 5-10 years?

What do I want to change?

How can I make my relationship stronger?

What would I define as, fun?

All these questions are focused towards myself.

Now that’s not easy to acknowledge or share because I am in a relationship and often I find myself thinking, I must think about both of us. *although, my significant other wants me to focus on myself and be the best I can be.

Somehow, I lost myself awhile back and defining the answers to these questions are quite important on my new journey.

  1. What things are important to me, in order to feel like I am worthy, happy, and comfortable?
  • Fitness + Health.
  • Photography.
  • Interacting with Nature.
  • Experiencing new things, traveling.
  • Listening to soothing music.
  • Going to sleep in a pitch black room & waking up to the sun gleaming through the window.
  • Having the windows open.

2. Where do I see myself in 5-10 years?

  • Working a full-time job that allows me to travel.
  • With a few kiddos.
  • Owning a house.
  • Having a new vehicle.
  • Married to my best-friend.
  • Having a few good friends that I can call on a Wednesday night and drink wine with.

3. What do I want to change?

  • How I wake up in the morning.
  • I want to go to the gym at least 5 times a week.
  • I’d like to quit smoking.
  • I’d like to get along with my significant other better.
  • I’d like to stop binge eating.
  • I want to eat cleaner.
    I’d like to stay up later, immersing myself into something that is extracurricular.
    I’d like to go the coffee shop more.
    I need to walk Duke more and for longer than 5 minutes.
    I’d like to stop staring at my camera and actually use it.

4. How can I make my relationship stronger?

  • Communicating with my partner about what is bothering me after I have thought about what it is that is really bothering me.
  • Actively listen, all the time.
  • Compromise more, but stick to my beliefs.
  • Not have a plan for everything, let things just happen sometimes.
  • Distancing myself, allowing space and for new conversation to flow.

5. What would I define as, fun?

  • Sipping coffee, talking about art.
  • Hiking.
  • Being outside.
  • Building things.
  • Photography.
  • Running.
  • Going out to eat and for drinks.
  • Driving to a new place for the day.
  • Traveling.
  • Shopping.
  • Sitting by a fire.
  • Watching tv with my baby.
  • Hanging out with Duke.
  • Cooking new food.
  • Swimming at the beach.
  • Tanning.

It is my goal to start focusing on these things and creating the life I want and deserve.

I’m believing in myself!

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AH, TODAY I AM SITTING IN THE COFFEE SHOP.

I haven’t really spent much time alone the last few months, if any at all.

I remember a time where I would take myself out on a date once a week. That time wasn’t too long ago.

I remember expressing how I just wanted a friend right across me, not just anybody though, I craved that right somebody.

Lately, I’m realizing I need to not fill my cup with companionship but with self- intimacy.

It’s going be hard, really hard because how must one love them self while loving another?

Maybe it starts with something as simple as, loving that the one you love is loving them self.

It is possible.

And I will do it, not for you but for me.

I promise I will love you for loving/being you 💛

Pours.

I have to be strong for myself.

When one pours into you, you can only pour back. I’ve realized this by being a victim and a victimizer.

When one pours their demons into someone else they only become damaged, unless they are strong and pure.

I have not reached the point where I can remain pure because my only desire is to help others and put myself second.

When doing so, I become murky.

I am dumping my cup, refilling it, and chilling it.

I am choosing to be the sunshine and fresh breathe of air again.

I am choosing to be my own bestfriend.

This ones titled, “Love Sick”

Every time you said, “you are sick.” I wanted to scream, “love sick.” Being “love sick” is different than any other kind of disease, the only thing similar is, you don’t know it’s coming.

One day I woke up and realized nothing else mattered to me besides your happiness.

I was more than willing to give everything I had because I hoped in return I’d gain every inch of happiness back by seeing your face light up when I was just a phone call, a text, or a step away.

By being “love sick” I made up excuses for actions because all’s I wanted was the “perfect ending.”

Being “love sick” I felt my thoughts in my gut and my emotions splattered all over the bedroom walls.

I was tired and achy, just waiting for you to check on me like you would if I had the “flu”.

But, because I am “love sick” I wanted to make sure that you always had what you needed even though I was not always capable of providing it for you.

Because I am “love sick” I still want you.

4AB8A3C5-93A8-4E50-A9D8-720208CF2FAEI felt like this was something I should share with you. Everything happens for a reason and this was my strength…My grandmother gave me this necklace. I wore it every day for years, slept and showered with it, traveled across the world and back. Yet, one day I lost the charm and was left with just the chain. I looked several days after returning from Europe. I eventually gave up but, I never replaced that charm.

I was moving out of Jays apartment with a heavy heart and thick tears and he handed me this and said, “this must be yours because it is not mine..” I looked down thinking it was just another dumb earring, and there it was. I couldn’t help but burst into tears. With my arms wrapped around a person who was letting me go, I thanked him. He looked at me and said , “you are worth it.”

This was a sign and this is my strength. I love you Joy Nekvasil and I love you Jason Scott Blackwell.

Today, I’ve decided to write about a broken heart.

The thing is, when your heart breaks you feel more than you ever felt when it was whole. You search every crook and cranny like your are looking for water on mars. You keep replaying the flutters that once existed, only to feel numb. You wonder how you got here and when you are going to get out. Your eyes burn, you gasp for air, your chest is caving in, and your feet feel unsteady.  You let your mind wander and your fingers tremble. You bury your face blotched face in a pillow, letting out one of the deepest painful breathes.  You wonder what is going to happen next. You become uncomfortable with the love everyone else shares with you. You repeat the words exchanged. Your brain begins to become so consumed that it begins to pound.

The thing is, when your heart breaks you feel more than you ever felt when it was whole. You repair the broken fragments, you water your garden, you make yourself comfortable, you wash your face, you put your hands to work, and you turn your words into poetry.

The thing is, when your heart breaks you feel more than you every felt when it was whole.

I’ve decided I am going to start writing again on my blog. I am not to sure where it’s going to go or what I am going to write about as now a days it is kind of difficult for me.

It’s not writers block, it’s being afraid of what others will think. That includes the people closest to me.

But, I am tired of holding it in and holding it back.

Damn it- I am tired of almost everyone being against me. Most importantly my choices.

It’s not just you, it’s him and her too.

Partial view vs full view.

Maybe I should say, preview. Everyone gets a preview of what is going on and what is coming of. But we as society rarely let everyone in. The truth is we can’t give anyone a full view. As we can not predict the future.

On going:

I don’t wanna be the written words that bleed on ones paper, that are dark and vulgar. When I’m the sunshine. I don’t want my smile to be something someone takes with them 6 feet down under, I don’t want them to bury it.

I deserve more than darkness because I know I am a beautiful blossom.

But the thing is- I am human and your carbon monoxide is killing me, sinuously.

At first it creeped up upon me, now I see the flashing light.

“You’re gonna die, before everything’s alright. ”

But, baby- I’m the perfect blossom, so how… will I die?

That’s because we made that up- I just told you I am human!

You know all about that don’t you?

Then why are doing this to me? WHY?

You’re not the only one living this life, did you forget about me?

Sometimes I wish you’d forget and pick me.. the beautiful human being.

But you’ve told me my soul is blue. And I am no longer one in a few. I’m just like the rest, but didn’t you know I am one of the best?